So much goin on, yet so little

I have a lot on my mind.

I miss having a bunch of friends to talk to. Until I left college, there were always people and friends that I saw every day and now there's no one because I live far away and everyone has drifted apart and is off living their own busy lives. It's a lot harder to make friends out of thin air than it used to be. Plus I'd rather have my old friends anyway.

Anthony and I both recently got jobs. He works as a security guard and I'm a delivery driver at Papa John's. He's at work right now actually from 10pm-6am. I work on Thursday from 7pm-4am (i never knew papa john's was open that late). Our schedule is weird cause we're still living with my mom and she's just leaving for work when we're getting home and going to bed. Then when we wake up and feel like its morning, she's just getting home from work. It's all strange.

Anthony and I are dealing with spring breakers. There are more naked children running around here than I've ever seen in my life. Wal-mart is packed with munchie and beer seeking idiots. The largest club in the USA, club La Vela, is here on the beach and MTV has designated PCB as the place to be for spring break this year. It's insane. It's like an amusement park around here 24/7. And after they leave we'll have to deal with "Thunder Beach" and all the stupid bikers. I hate the bikers. So much worse than the naked children hooting and hollering all the time. The bikers rev their engines and ride up and down the road constantly and it pisses us residents off because they are SOOOO LOUD!!!!

Ugh, it's only 12:00 here and Anthony doesn't get off til 6. Mom has been asleep for hours so its just me hanging out bored to death with no one to talk to. I've thought about going to club La Vela, but I don't wanna go by myself and the hubby has never really been fond of the club scene so he doesn't wanna go.

Another one of my cousins is getting married April 17th. Brittany got married in September and now her little sister Chelsea is getting married. I'm really happy for her, but I'm slightly concerned about the haste of it all. I mean, apparently they've only known each other for about a year. It seems a little fast to me. Anthony and I knew each other for 9 years (dated for 7) before we got married. They haven't lived together and 1 year is not enough to really know someone. Anthony and I are STILL finding stuff out about each other! Who knows maybe it will be a fairy tale and they will be perfect for each other and be happily married til death parts them. That is what I hope is the case, but I know the odds are against it. Don't get me wrong now, I LOVE Chelsea SOOOO much and I'm so very happy that she has found someone that makes her happy and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. For that I am beyond happy for her. I just wish they would give it a little more time. Make sure it's solid.If it is then what's the rush anyway? I mean, you're gonna be together forever right? OK so why the rush?

I miss my buddy Adam. I haven't seen him in almost a year. That's crazy. I haven't seen most of my friends in a year or more. I feel socially deprived. Like I'm and involuntary hermit.

I miss my camera. I don't understand why it doesn't work. I need to send it off to see if it can be fixed, but other things have taken priority over it and now i don't even know where it is. Its somewhere collecting dust and it makes me sad. I love to take pictures. Hobby deprived.

I can't wait til we can get our own place. I want my own living room! ARGHHHH!!!

sigh.....what am I gonna do for 5 hours?

I don't know what to think about my family anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I'm so mad at one of my aunts because she really let me down. One thing I can't stand is racism and prejudice. It drives me absolutely bats. It's unacceptable to me. I'm ashamed of my aunt and hurt by her bigotry. I am a mixed race child, what must she think of me? I can't believe the things she said to me. It boggles my brain. Don't tell me who is OK to love and who is not. Who the hell are you to think that any human being is more important or superior than another? You are no family of mine blood or not. Family is not about blood its about love and support. I'm just so disgusted.

No, I don't care who reads it. I feel so strongly about this and I'm sick and tired of everyone on both sides of my family keeping their feelings to themselves, keeping secrets from each other, lying to each other, and talking about one another behind their backs. Not me. I refuse to keep up the b.s. It's stupid. It only breeds hate, lies, hurt, and misunderstanding blown way out of proportion. Yeah I said it. Ooh I've broken the unwritten rule of both sides of the family. So what. I'm already an outcast to most of you so what do I care. I'm gonna love who I want as much as I want and I'm gonna say what I want/need to say so bite me.

I'm sick of tip toeing around everybody. I'm sick of no one even asking my side of the story but secretly holding grudges against me without addressing them. I'm sick of people assuming things about me without getting the facts first. I'm tired of the drama between family members that I somehow get sucked into even though I don't want to be. Get over your petty disagreements. It's stupid. There are more important things in life than dwelling on things that happened years and years ago. It's the past, LET IT GO.

Say what you want to me I don't care. Bring it on. Get it out. Say what's on your mind. I dare you. Get it out before it eats you all alive. Don't let it run your life. Don't be bitter forever. You miss out on too much that way. Put everything out there so you can deal with the raw wound you've been hiding and move on.

Untitled Poem

Beauty, Grace, Strength, and Love

Wisdom, Depth, and Peace

There's an angel I'm thinking of

Who posesses all of these


A nurturing guide through all my life

A watchful eye, a warm embrace

Comforting words in times of strife

A hopeful expression upon her face


Strong throughout the weathering storms

Teaching me love and equality

By my side since before I was born

Loving me unconditionally

My best friend and confidant

Unique and unlike any other

More than I could ever want

She has a name, I call her Mom

What Beauty, What Grace

W O W. That right there is an angel folks. A vision of strength and love. The sweetest smile I've ever seen. These are by far the best pictures I've ever seen of her. They take my breath away. So beautiful she leaves me speechless.....

Oh MY GAWD!!!

Oh My Gawd!!!! Two of my long lost cousins just popped up on facebook and myspace. Justine and Nelson. I never thought I'd see Haydee, Christina, or Justine again. We don't even know eachother because we haven't seen eachother since we were kids. I've never even met Nelson. Wow I just can't believe it. I'm in shock. We have so much to catch up on....our whole lives actually. And apparently she has a daughter, Alyssa. Just wow.....

Anticipation

So hopefully jobs will start popping up soon in the paper and online. I'm still looking and applying. I need one soon. When Anthony and I both have steady jobs we plan to start figuring out what we can afford as far as apartments and bills go. We went looking at some places I saw for rent in the paper just to see the areas so we could have a better idea of what we wanted. I really like everything about one of the places and I think we're gonna be looking for places on that road when we're ready. I'm excited. We'll finally have our own place soon. There's nothing like having your own place. It's so....liberating. Sure I'm nervous about us being on our own, but it's that good kinda scared, ya know?

They're almost done with the ceiling. Neither us nore neighbor Ed see any difference.... :/
But at least the raggedy palm tree is gone.

Anthony is applying for a job as a "detention specialist" at the jail! I hope he gets the job. It would be so great for him (and us as a couple). He's wanted a job in law enforcement forever and I want it so bad for him to achieve his dreams. Fingers crossed!!!

Keeping busy

I spent all day yesterday rearranging the study. Mom had a great idea that I could hang my stuffed animals from the ceiling with hooks and fishing line. So I did that and there was so much space because I'd had the stuffed animals in the closet. So then I decided to rearrange the closet and came across a shelf I'd put away from college. I thought it would be useful so I took it out and moved the room around so I could set it up where I wanted it. The whole thing took all day and was a major ordeal.

I've been trying to cook healthy meals since we got back from my father's house. It's been going well so far. Anthony and I have been excercising together every day too. This is the year!

So the people are finally coming to fix our ceiling/Ed's floor. They are supposed to come today. I hope it won't be too big of an ordeal (I know it will be).

Not too much else going on right now except some great news I'm not allowed to share yet because it's not final. I've been worrying about mom, grammy, dad and Trudy because all of them have been having health problems. Now apparently I can add one more to the list. My friend Carey is having heart trouble now too.

Well that's all I can remember so bye for now!

Road Trip

So Anthony and I drove up to the Savannah are to visit my father this past weekend. The drive up there was hell because the directions I got off the computer sucked and it ended up taking way longer than we'd planned. We finally arrived and got the grand tour from dad. Their house is absolutely monsterous. They have a huge front yard, a huge back yard, and a lake in the back too. It was cool.

We ate very well there too. Beth made what they called crackhead soup one night. They call it that because its a real crowd pleaser. Every one loves it and you can't stop eating it. It's addictive. It was sooooooo good. We liked it so much I got the recipe so I can make it too. We also had fabulous lasagna which I also got the recipe for. Most excellent. Also for breakfast dad made a most delicious dish that I will definetly be making again. It was crunchy peanut butter, nutella, and bananas warmed in a flour tortilla. Wow.

It didn't take long for the boys to warm up to us once we got there. We got lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you"'s. I believe dad and Anthony have become best friends now too. They discovered they were into the same things like boxing, working out, and lifting weights. Dad showed Anthony all kinds of new stuff and Anthony had a blast learning from him.

We got to play with their new Wii. We played A LOT. Golf, tennis, bowling, boxing, and baseball. All very fun. It's a great way to excercise because you get caught up in it and you can go for hours. You don't even realize how much you've done until the next day when it hurts. They invited some friends over and we played Wii golf for a while, then we all sat down and played Partini and Cranium. We had a lot of fun. It was cool because anthony and I had never played either before. At first I was uncomfortable and embarassed because some of the questions I was clueless about. For example, I picked a card where I had to hum something to try to get my team to guess what was on the card. The card I got said "Axle Rose". I was thinking "what is that? It says the category is "celebrity" so that means its a person? who in the world?" I had'nt the slightest clue. Beth took me in the kitchen to try to explain who it was without anyone hearing and said It was some guy from "Guns & Roses". I was like "who?" She said it was a band and sang snipets from a few songs. I still was clueless so they let me redo my turn. Everyone knows who that is but me! Anyway, I was embarassed and nervous the remainder of the night. We did have a lot of fun though.

Mamita dropped by and we got to visit with her. Patrick and Petra also stopped by with their two kids. It was good to see them again.

Anthony and I went and toured Savannah. I took him to River street and we went into the candy shops that are like Kilwin's (where he works). We went by forsyth park and dad & Beth's old house. We drove slowly down East Broad and Broughton St. and then around the dorms. We visited Alisha and James W.(College pals of mine) and we went to ClubSCAD and let dad show us around. I got to see James G.(an old friend of dad's) right before he had to leave. Anthony and I ate lunch at the Mellow Mushroom then we visited with dad in his office. I wanted to take Anthony to Vinnie Van Go Go's because he's never been and Savannah is the only place that has one (that I know of) but we accidently left the money at dad's house (20 minutes away). Dad was kind to give us money for lunch and we were right there at the mellow mushroom so....there ya go.

We were sad to leave, but ready to go home too. We missed our kitties and mom and our own bed. It was an awesome trip. The perfect amount of time. Everything went great. We're planning to go back in the summer.

Reflections on 2008

Well, this past year has brought a lot of changes and new beginnings for me. I got married (and so did my cousin Brittany which prompted our first camping trip in our new tent at Stone Mountain with mom. Fun!), had a few new jobs, and moved out of state to a place with strange weather to me. Anthony and I celebrated our first 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, presidential election, and New Year's Eve/Day together as husband and wife.
We got a new addition to our little family. His name is Panama Jack. I lost two best friends who as it turns out were never really my friends at all. I tried once more to start healing the relationship with my father and stepmother with much success. Anthony and I are actually going to visit them and my little brothers this tomorrow at their house for four days. I'm understandably cautious, but still hopeful. I'm glad I finally get to spend time with my little brothers. I was surprised to see my paternal grandmother at our wedding after many years along with almost all my family from that side.

I turned 22 this year. Wow how time has flown by me. I was happy to have been able to give Anthony and mom a good christmas this year. Anthony got a very nice leather jacket from me and an ipod from mom which he absolutly loves and listens to all the time. Mom got a dvd and vcr combo player from us as well as some other things she needed like slippers and such. I got a great new Sims 2 game called Apartment Life and some Rachel Ray books (I've been very into Rachel this year). Everyone had a great christmas. We had christmas dinner upstairs with our neighbor Ed and then we did the birthday thing at our house with peanut butter pie as my cake this year. I got from mom my birthday music box which was a precious moments snow globe with a bride and groom inside and it plays the wedding march. It was perfect.

My grandparents came down for a weekend visit and we all walked on the beach together and we took a drive showing them around. They had a blast. I enjoyed walking on the beach with them, mom, and Anthony. I was thinking how lucky mom was as I watched her walking and talking and hunting for shells with her parents as Anthony and I strolled together arm in arm behind them. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in so many ways, so many I can't even count them all, but I can't help but feel a little envious of her. I don't wish my parents back together or anything like that and honestly I don't think I would change anything because I'm so happy with thing the way they are. I just hope she cherishes those moments she has with both her parents together and how they've stayed together so long. I cannot remember when my parents were together. It makes me grateful for all that I do have in my life. Don't take anything for granted.

On one of the recent foggy nights after the world went to sleep, Anthony and I went for a walk on the beach. We paused and stood looking out at the waves. The only noise was that of the ocean. We looked up at the sky and realized we stood under the only piece of night sky that wasn't covered by fog. One hole in the fog right above us where we could stare in aw at the stars. We didn't need to speak. We looked at eachother with eyes that said "I love you more than anything" and shared a romantic kiss. It felt like we were the only people in the whole world. It was a perfect moment and as I stood there I thought "Who could ask for more?" I felt so content. I don't ever want to forget that.

We went out to Applebee's for a nice dinner last night (New Year's Eve) and ended up coming home after a walk in pier park. Too crowded and cold over there. We watched the fireworks from the balcony at our house and celebrated the new year. Poor mom was sick and I felt so bad for her.

My new year's resolution is to lose weight. I just HAVE to. I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this is not my body. That fat person I see in the mirror isn't me and dangit I'm gonna prove it. I'm armed with a list of healthy foods I like and some Rachel Ray cookbooks to help me find new ways to eat healthy and be creative at the same time. Here's hoping...

So that's 2008 and the plan for 2009. I have to wash the car in this cold weather since we're leaving tomorrow and get everything ready to go so ciao for now and Happy New Year!!!