So much goin on, yet so little

I have a lot on my mind.

I miss having a bunch of friends to talk to. Until I left college, there were always people and friends that I saw every day and now there's no one because I live far away and everyone has drifted apart and is off living their own busy lives. It's a lot harder to make friends out of thin air than it used to be. Plus I'd rather have my old friends anyway.

Anthony and I both recently got jobs. He works as a security guard and I'm a delivery driver at Papa John's. He's at work right now actually from 10pm-6am. I work on Thursday from 7pm-4am (i never knew papa john's was open that late). Our schedule is weird cause we're still living with my mom and she's just leaving for work when we're getting home and going to bed. Then when we wake up and feel like its morning, she's just getting home from work. It's all strange.

Anthony and I are dealing with spring breakers. There are more naked children running around here than I've ever seen in my life. Wal-mart is packed with munchie and beer seeking idiots. The largest club in the USA, club La Vela, is here on the beach and MTV has designated PCB as the place to be for spring break this year. It's insane. It's like an amusement park around here 24/7. And after they leave we'll have to deal with "Thunder Beach" and all the stupid bikers. I hate the bikers. So much worse than the naked children hooting and hollering all the time. The bikers rev their engines and ride up and down the road constantly and it pisses us residents off because they are SOOOO LOUD!!!!

Ugh, it's only 12:00 here and Anthony doesn't get off til 6. Mom has been asleep for hours so its just me hanging out bored to death with no one to talk to. I've thought about going to club La Vela, but I don't wanna go by myself and the hubby has never really been fond of the club scene so he doesn't wanna go.

Another one of my cousins is getting married April 17th. Brittany got married in September and now her little sister Chelsea is getting married. I'm really happy for her, but I'm slightly concerned about the haste of it all. I mean, apparently they've only known each other for about a year. It seems a little fast to me. Anthony and I knew each other for 9 years (dated for 7) before we got married. They haven't lived together and 1 year is not enough to really know someone. Anthony and I are STILL finding stuff out about each other! Who knows maybe it will be a fairy tale and they will be perfect for each other and be happily married til death parts them. That is what I hope is the case, but I know the odds are against it. Don't get me wrong now, I LOVE Chelsea SOOOO much and I'm so very happy that she has found someone that makes her happy and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. For that I am beyond happy for her. I just wish they would give it a little more time. Make sure it's solid.If it is then what's the rush anyway? I mean, you're gonna be together forever right? OK so why the rush?

I miss my buddy Adam. I haven't seen him in almost a year. That's crazy. I haven't seen most of my friends in a year or more. I feel socially deprived. Like I'm and involuntary hermit.

I miss my camera. I don't understand why it doesn't work. I need to send it off to see if it can be fixed, but other things have taken priority over it and now i don't even know where it is. Its somewhere collecting dust and it makes me sad. I love to take pictures. Hobby deprived.

I can't wait til we can get our own place. I want my own living room! ARGHHHH!!!

sigh.....what am I gonna do for 5 hours?

I don't know what to think about my family anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I'm so mad at one of my aunts because she really let me down. One thing I can't stand is racism and prejudice. It drives me absolutely bats. It's unacceptable to me. I'm ashamed of my aunt and hurt by her bigotry. I am a mixed race child, what must she think of me? I can't believe the things she said to me. It boggles my brain. Don't tell me who is OK to love and who is not. Who the hell are you to think that any human being is more important or superior than another? You are no family of mine blood or not. Family is not about blood its about love and support. I'm just so disgusted.

No, I don't care who reads it. I feel so strongly about this and I'm sick and tired of everyone on both sides of my family keeping their feelings to themselves, keeping secrets from each other, lying to each other, and talking about one another behind their backs. Not me. I refuse to keep up the b.s. It's stupid. It only breeds hate, lies, hurt, and misunderstanding blown way out of proportion. Yeah I said it. Ooh I've broken the unwritten rule of both sides of the family. So what. I'm already an outcast to most of you so what do I care. I'm gonna love who I want as much as I want and I'm gonna say what I want/need to say so bite me.

I'm sick of tip toeing around everybody. I'm sick of no one even asking my side of the story but secretly holding grudges against me without addressing them. I'm sick of people assuming things about me without getting the facts first. I'm tired of the drama between family members that I somehow get sucked into even though I don't want to be. Get over your petty disagreements. It's stupid. There are more important things in life than dwelling on things that happened years and years ago. It's the past, LET IT GO.

Say what you want to me I don't care. Bring it on. Get it out. Say what's on your mind. I dare you. Get it out before it eats you all alive. Don't let it run your life. Don't be bitter forever. You miss out on too much that way. Put everything out there so you can deal with the raw wound you've been hiding and move on.